New Blog

For anyone interested in reading more of my blogs; you might be pleased to hear I'm writing (typing) again but on another blog. I haven't posted here for a long time and the page is gathering virtual dust and is suffering link rot, making a lot of what I wrote no longer relevant. I'm not sure if I'll return to this one but in the mean time here's my new project: The Scald Diaries

 http://skintandscaldy.blogspot.ie/

If you like drinking, have little money & generally low standards or at least enjoy hearing how the other half live; read on.
If not. Fuck off.

This isn't great, but the cut of you anyways

http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/world-of-sport/article/58682/
Boy with Dildo for hand set to be golfing star.

Once you get over the brief moment of this uplifting story, you're once again faced with the reality that golf is one of the worst spectator sports in existance. Why it's televised is beyond me. Then again, it is television.
You see the same clean-through swing time in time out, despite the Happy Gilmore technique which is obviously the way to go. Then the tiny ball dissappears; only to reappear somewhere further down the course. What's that!? He's using an 8iron?! That's at least twice as exciting as the 4!
Although I do like the putting. It's a good way to tell that they're almost finished.

"He has been told that he has a perfect golf swing - it is textbook."
That essentially means that despite his affliction; he's equally as dull as the other fuckers.

Earlier in the week I seen this headline:

Golfer Breaks Shin After Celebratory Plunge into Lake

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-31751_162-20076877-10391697.html

You might be half convinced that golf isn't as dull to watch as originally thought, but it should be noted that he is French and therefore, had it coming to him whether or not he played golf.

"Bunker Mentality". Ooh. That issue's a must have. I've always wondered what goes through a pros mind when he's in a bunker...like....*How do I get the fuck out of this* or *The only person who's duller than I am are the people watching me do this*.

http://www.makinggolffun.com/
Here's a site called "Making Golf Fun". Because enjoying it doesn't come naturally.

Given, you might enjoy playing it yourself. I understand that much. As a drummer, I know all too well the joys of hitting things with sticks. But I'm not here to glorify it. If you want someone to do that, I'm sure the link above is more than enough to excite you. I might also have a shard of glass for you which if your personality matches, I'd happily put it in your neck.

Next month I'm gonna write about darts, 'cause I know you'd love that, you slut.

Winter's finally here & You're still a cunt

Tajikistan.


Here's a country I picked at random that I figured not many people know about. I intend to keep it that way.






90% of the country is covered in mountains.
The other 10% is a pile of shite.

Here's a picture of all the citizens of their largest town. That's the mayor on the left and on the right is one the lads.
The mayor lost his right eye in a tragic winking contest. He hit his head off a wall and forgot how to open his eyelid.






This fella here is the president of Tajikistan. He also sells dry fruit. For the craic.

Their main income is alluminium and cotton.
Their predominant export is ignorance, hence my blog.




Now back to the rest of the world. Reality.


Headphone wires or Ear handles?
You decide.



Next time you look at someone (better from behind) with earphones in, imagine pulling away their ears with the wire stands.




Live Aid.

The idea: To raise funds for relief of the Ethiopian famine by holding massive concerts and such.
In this fundraiser, they informed the Ethiopians about the celebration of Christmas.





I have a similar plan. It shall be known as Live Hate.



The Idea: First, we'll raise funds to hold massive concerts in the most poverty stricken countries around the world.
It's primary idea is for awareness, specifically about Christmas. It will be for the new generations who weren't around for the event in the 80s. All those starving children deserve to know that the rest of the world are enjoying themselves; wasting their money on stupid stuff that they don't need or possibly even want and are all gorging themselves on massive dinners. It's only fair that they know the truth. According to the bible, it'll set you free.

Any ideas for a slogan?

Teletubbies

*Since nearly a third of my readers aren't from Ireland, and not every one of those Irish people are from the North-west; I'll put a phrase reference at the bottom so you can all be educated.*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQMKZxX-Tyo
This episode is about a naughty snake.

Once you get passed the intro, some serious shit goes down. The windmill starts goin' 90* and Tinky Winky gets the reception and the pleasure of hosting some quality t.v.

Low and behold, this wan*: "The funny lady" appears. I fail to gather the encouragement towards homosexuality in this show when there's a vixen like this one emphasising everything that you'd hear in any good adult videos.
Such as;

"Would you like to help me do the dusting?"

~ which can be heard on many tele-shopping ads. Nothing more heterosexual than references to household tasks. She also loves cock.

Po acts like a right cunt* in the second part: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdeT6dRIlzA
When she finishes goose-stepping around the house, we're informed further, as to how naughty she really is.

"Sometimes Po is so naughty, she goes up and down too many times."

If you can find a way to go up a slide without taking a run-up, you are some legend.

"Sometimes Po is so naughty, she goes in and out too many times."

Right, the slide and the march was grand. Even Noo-noo didn't mind. But she has to go over and fuck with the door. I don't know about you, but I think she was asking for a good back of the hand. Noo-noo is no man for the naughtiness. He might be a bit of a dry shite* from time to time, but sure, there you are. He doesn't even end up doing anything in the end.

It's very likely that Po did this in spite of Noo-noo. I heard from Curly-Wurly, the lesser known teletubby, that Noo-noo used to have a drinking problem and was ragin'* 'cause all the others were mad fry bags* and only watched t.v, and used to eat all of his tubby rashers when he was passed out. So he went out and tried to suck the ring off Po, but she caught him and there was crazy slaps being dished out*. She hasn't been the same since.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cUJsMgAVV8

This is an episode where some chickens gets fed. Hard hitting stuff.
Now, these lads aren't the regular run of the mill young fellas. James, Matthew and the baby brother; they feed the chickens everyday. And they like doing it. Never have truer words been spoken.

The young fella in the green, as you can see, is going to feed two mad boyos in the pen, but he's aware of what's happening and gets the fuck out of there before shit goes down. Sometimes the country can be more dangerous than a rusty knife....holding a knife.

We're led to believe this youngster isn't the type for trouble making, but he goes ahead and throws some feed at the cameraman afterwards, like the cheeky faced boyo he is.

O.k. So what have we learned?
1. Never trust a young fella.
2. Not sure. Lets watch it again.

Sadly, the other parts aren't uploaded, but I'll run you through it.

They watch the entire vid again, as you can see. They reflect on what they saw. For about 2seconds. Then they fuck off and eat some tubby custard and toast.



*
"This wan" - This one(person)
"Goin' 90" ~ Going 90miles per hour : to go crazy or to become energetic, very fast.
"A right cunt" ~ "right"/proper is used as an adjective to emphasise how much of a cunt you are (very much so).
"Dry shite" ~ Downer. A miserable person who sucks the life out of everything.
"Ragin'" - Raging: to be angry or upset.
"Fry bag" ~ A stoner (to be fried is to be high).
"Crazy slaps being dished out" ~ To dish out a slap is to punch/hit someone repeatedly or beat them up.

So now after reading this, you should be able to easily understand someone if they tell you the following:

"This wan was bein' a right aul' cunt to this fry bag, bein' a proper dry shite, so some other fella came over and went 90 on him, dishin' out some serious slaps. I'd be so ragin' if I was him".

Credits to John Dobson for the picture.

Grá? (Love?)

Violets are purenz bloo,
Nd Roses, dey are like reli red,
Lol itz nawt valetimes, but sure,
Can i still get head?

A man came onto a bus wearing his pyjama's.
It was perfectly acceptable. He got off at his preferred destination and went on with his life.

Girls like a chase. They don't like getting raped in a forest though.
Make up your minds! Always starting, never finishing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Fish


Here's a man who cut the bullshit. I suggest you educate yourself on the man.

Here's a quote out of a letter he sent to a young girl's mother;

"I choked her to death, then cut her in small pieces so I could take my meat to my rooms. Cook and eat it. How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven. It took me 9 days to eat her entire body. I did not fuck her tho [sic] I could of had I wished. She died a virgin."

How comforted she must have felt to know he didn't rape her.

The moral of the story is. Be a bit more direct towards men, and maybe, just maybe, you wont get tortured, raped and eaten.

He also liked boys. Here's a lesson in cooking:

"I made a stew out of his ears – nose – pieces of his face and belly. I put onions, carrots, turnips, celery, salt and pepper. It was good. Then I split the cheeks of his behind open, cut off his monkey and pee wees and washed them first. I put strips of bacon on each cheek of his behind and put them in the oven."

His nickname as a child was "Ham and Eggs".

Moving on.


Joseph Fritzl. D.I.Y King.

There's a man who can build.
I can just about put up a level shelf. He built a dungeon under his house in under 2years.

Don't let the bags under the eyes fool you. He stores wall filler in there.

Think what you will about the man, but look at that.













He should have been sentenced to a lifetime of building extensions.


To surmise this blog; Love is a strange thing. If you don't want someones love, remember to give it back. Then run for the hills.

My Thirst

Why is there an apple
Inside my bag?
But wait!
It's a peach.
I placed it there this morning.
With haste,
But not waste,
I placed it in my mouth.

The taste,
It erased,
The flavour coming first,
My thirst.

F is the most sensitive button on my keyboard

So I apologise if I'm tempted to swear frequently. Of such matters as foreigners, France, french foreigners and fornication.

That person in the distance. One moment they're someone you've known all your life.
The next, they're just an acquaintance.
Now you're face to face. You've never seen them in your life.

Autumn is a more poignant time for night. Nature nears death, but seems to be more conspicuous.
It's similar to someone who just had their torso torn open and their intestines are spilling everywhere. Maybe a bit more sentimental. I suppose you could throw some ribbons around their lungs and liver. Liven up the image a bit.

Walking through an imbroglio of snails. Landmines below my feet. A loss of a life every time. Unintentional.
"There's too many of them anyways".
I bet you would justify yourself with that too, you Nazi bastard.


This is a reading from the letter of St. Paul to the Romans;

Wel bois, wat yeh up tah? pure bord ere lol

wb

---------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, I'm Jessica.
I am a stewardess. Days working like crazy and nights Alone in a Hotel room
I would like to meet someone for intimate encounters.

This week, I will be in different cities of US... New York, Sligo, Los Angeles, Miami ...

I also travel to: UK & Canada next month

I am looking for an ongoing sexual relationship only with No Engagement!!!!

All the big cities of the U.S, and now Sligo. Why?!
But it does sound very promising.


Some nights when I'm out,
I wonder.
Which pint glass did I leave my standards at the bottom of?

I also wonder. Could I jump down the full flight of stairs and crawl to the urinal quicker than stumbling down each step, avoiding sick and crying girls.

The answer to all these questions is bound to be at the bottom of another glass.



So smash it off a table and jam it into your neck, you mess.














U tawk funi wit ur wurdz :S