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Aint Nathin' Purtier than coffee stained mug.
The Stain is in the shape of Majorca.

I think it's a sign.

A sign that you're a bollocks.

If you fail to draw sense from that statement, it's likely that you fail at other things too.


You're awful silly.

I feel slightly braindamaged at the moment, so it may take several days to proof read this. If you're as dozy as me(you're more than likely worse), I'll prob have it sorted by the time you get around to reading this.
I've decided to eat more. And to do the majority of it before bed. It's good craic. The disgust of passers-by to find a sleeping fat prick with a pizza slice on his face...wonderful.
I don't think I'll be able to combat the gain of weight. I'll probably just do a few jumping jacks and wear bigger clothes so it feels like I'm becoming incredibly skinny.

Ah I couldn't even be arsed anymore. Enjoy your shallow lives.

The Glass Is Half Ignorant

I was topping and tailing berries. Sorting them from one bucket to another in which will go towards making jam. They both came to roughly half way, and I thought, as I was mumbling and moaning as per usual; Am I an optimist or a pessimist?
I noticed in one bucket, which was slightly more than half way up (half full), there was a little spider crawling over the berries. How happy he must have been. All the food he could ever desire surrounding him. Such a nice thought. Every thing's surely looking up for him. He picked the half full bucket and he's sorted.
So I thought from then. I too should be optimistic. In doing so, I will prosper in this world. Happy as can be. So I'm changing my style of writing and my outlook on the world.

Thanks Mr.Spider. I really owe you one :)
This has brought me to a great conclusion.









If you call me a pessimist, I'll boil you in jam.

Fuck off.

Shawty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDAaevTq51I

Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans
Boots with the fur
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo
Next thing you know Shawty got low low low low low low low low self esteem because she was portrayed as a conformist to common ideals.
She also had a rash.

I assume the "flo" is the floor. If not, it's possible that he means "the flow".

This could mean either of the following:

Flo Rida: Since he made the chorus, T-Pain may be talking about him. She must have drank too much and hit him. His sexist lyrics might have been a catalyst to him getting his ass handed to him by Shawty.

Flow: She was in her element. She was in the groove. Although if she then became low, then she must have lost it.

Gas Flow: She may have hit a pipeline and due to the resulting fire, she lowered herself to the ground in the hopes that she could crawl out of the scene without harm.

http://www.eflow.ie/ : She managed to hit a tolling barrier because she was distracted by the whole club lookin' at hurrr. This brings me back to her low self-esteem and additional paranoia which caused her carelessness.

T-Pain and I are both in amazement as a result of Shawty's actions.

I ain't never seen nuthin that'll make me go,
this crazy all night spendin my dough
Had a million dollar vibe and a bottle to go
Dem birthday cakes, they stole the show

Poor fucker. He spent all of his dough. I told him to hold on to some of it for later. Now he's hungry and I'm not sure what's going on with the birthday cake, but when baked goods steal your possessions, you know there's something wrong.

So sexual, she was flexible
Professional, drinkin X and ooo
Hold up wait a minute, do I see what I think I
Whoa

Once I thought I thaw a putty tat. But it's very probable that I saw what I think I whoa.

Did I think I seen shorty get low
Ain't the same when it's up that close

T-Pain has discovered perspective. He did in fact see shorty get low as he walked away, but when he came closer, shorty became bigger. See the mouse and the house.

I was on it, sexy woman, let me shownin They be want it two in the mornin

They be wantin' lern2English.

The Lonely Jehovah's Witness

He might be a Mormon. Bottom line. He's alone.
Maybe his partner went a separate way. Maybe around your backdoor. Just for the lulz, so he can rear end you with a thrust of the good book.
I got a free Book Of Mormon off two fetching lads before. There's pictures an' all in it. Makes it possible for me to say I've looked through the book and not sound pretentious for not actually having read through the book.
My interactions with religion is....

I wore a Cannibal Corpse t-shirt to mass before, back in the old days of going there.

Something of a similar quality. For those who are unfamiliar with their works.
Me, being ignorant, I didn't notice what people made of me. Let them make what they wish. It wont come true.

Commented on a song of theirs was this:

"I beat my wife to this song..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nh0iMxBFyWM

Here's a song off the featured album.

Naturally my blog is of your entertainment value, not mine. Despite you being a sad joke for me. You don't have to listen to every link I post. But I used to get a kick out of this before I eventually liked it. It'll happen to you too if you give it a chance. Of course you wont. You sad fuck.

Anyway. Three days have passed since I wrote the first paragraph. Turns out they were a charity group. I was the ignorant one, and then I drank loads of tea and wasn't too bothered.
Although they might still be ignorant themselves.

More than likely, yes.

You guys don't know what you're missing. You could be missing sleep. Grey skin is much better than any tan. Unless you're tanned by the glare of your manky computer. There's too many germs. Everywhere. Don't sleep. They'll get you.
You open a door. Germs on your hand. you scratch your head. Germs on your head. You shake someones hand. Everyone gets germs.
Wash your hands. Clean. Turn off the tap. Germs back on from before. Germs on door and key.

Yeh. Night night.

Prime

I am in the prime of my life. As are you (assuming you're my typical reader ~ If not. Leave me a comment, and prove that even you, yourself believes that you're not in the prime of your life).
Youth. Wonderful. When it's gone, we'll spend our days lying to ourselves, saying how great it was.
Look at me. I'm lying on my bed(mattress on the floor), typing above an atmosphere of my own sweat vapour, too lazy to get up and turn the light off so I'm desperately hoping that someone else will get up with a cross face, turning off the light and ordering me to sleep.
You never sleep as well as when you're ordered too. Makes you feel like a Magdalene Sister. Lie on your back and cross your heart.
I'm no fan of dust mites. That's why I keep a messy bed. It reduces their efficiency and thus lowers the chances of me waking up speaking German.

Back to the point. This is probably one of the healthiest and most hopeful points in my life. Maybe yours too. Except I'm better than you. Even if you're really athletic and useful. I've just got it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDQpZT3GhDg


I don't mean to boast. But I do.
It's hard to moan about something when you've got that swing. I'll have to wait 'til the song ends before I can bitch.

KEEP YOUR DOG ON A LEASH!
People don't put leashes on dogs anymore. Backwards world. It's far too warm under this laptop. There's a layer of sweat holding me to my t-shirt. And there you go. My shirt has now taken me off. You could probably masturbate to my blogs in the future. I'll give you detail of every centimetre I scratch of my arse.

You people never sleep. If you're familiar with night-time t.v, you'll more than likely have an AB-KING PRO in your house.
Chances are you'd be able to sell them yourself in over 15languages from one nights viewing.
The word Fantishcika is what convinced me. Although I doubted I could get solid abs in such a short space of time. All hope was almost lost. But they insured me that it was unlike those other money-wasting gimmicks. I certainly didn't want to look like that grumpy woman who didn't like abdominal workouts.
If you buy one of these things, you'll be Gauranteeash Ultaszh Resultaszh! Definitely.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1bUdmJY7Ew

Usually I watch it in German or Swedish, but I'm sure it'll be equally as convincing for you.
I keep it next to all my JML time savers.



Skibbidabebop that Lindy Hop!

A Perfectly Terrible World

*Read this incredibly fast. If possible. Drink several cups of coffee beforehand.(Seriously) Otherwise you may not get into the full swing of this.


I can dream...

If people weren't ejaculating joy everywhere. Instead of nightclubs, people went to large coffee houses. Not cafes. Coffee is as cheap as the conversation. Everyone packed into these like sardines. Scalding each other with Child Labours finest blend.
Their collective breath becomes intolerable, and people become intoxicated by lack of oxygen.
Falling on the floor, prey to spillage. Defenseless, they wrap themselves in tea bags. Dreaming of better times.
All the while, the people on the top, holding the mugs or tiny latte cups, are twitching into each other like bees attacking hornets. Warming the weaker of them to the point where they explode.
The remains are tripping over the previously thought prey. Now, ticking time bombs. The spilled caffeine has soaked into their skin. They emerge in a frenzy. The only music they hear is the screams of the others who are all having seizures.
Smashing mugs. Plates.
Dark chocolate biscuits. Filling the air. No-one.

No-one stood a chance!

Isn't that right, Mr.Irish-Tea!
Thinking it was milky coffee. The smell masked by others. Rich tea biscuits and all. Jameson hidden in his left pocket. His right. Tea bags.
The bastard.
He projectile vomits a watery-biscuit-like substance towards the crowd.
The defenseless cafe creatures wail in dismay. No match for the alcohol and tea man, they flee. Out the door. At once. They soon find crammed in the tiny doors. The surrounding shelves breaking. Explosions of leaflets and posters of French movies.

All the de-caf people in the background weeping. Espresso people are dancing on top of the weakened coffee drinkers.

A perfect little world where no-one likes eachother and everyone's really fucked off something. I forgot what I was on about. Fuck it.

You've wasted more time reading this. You'll read my next shit blog too. You pathetic bollocks.

Nature's Bitch

That's you.

You never stood a chance.

You think you can fuck with nature. Building damns, on the side of volcanoes, working in straight lines.
Trees going in all directions, standing taller than all of you. You, perpendicular to the ground. Building sky scrapers 'cause you have a tiny penis.

What does 60 seconds mean to a tree or a mountain?
You panicking to get the bus, out of your own creation. And you missed it.
By 10seconds.

50 million years for the himalayas. And you're worrying about wasting 2seconds to scratch your arse.

People carrying watches, thinking they're in control of time. You can't stop though. BAM!




You can twist the world, but don't forget. Nature has you by the balls.

Rule the skies now? You don't see birds exploding all by themselves.

Where's the black box on them? Engine failure.
The bird got tired. Or shot.

Nature will get you back.